A great listing of senior citizen jokes...Enjoy
Don't you just HATE It when someone steals your Kodak moment?
Terry Tator—Amazing Ventriloquist
Incredible Picture of the Inauguration
Brothers!
The Ass Family
Why Mechanics Love Dealing With Women
When Using The F Word Is Acceptable
At least they are telling you the truth
And You Thought You Made Bad Decisions With Your Money?
Portfolio losses got you down? That's understandable. The dramatic 2008 market drop-off caused the S&P 500 Index to tumble 37%, wiping out more than $4 trillion in workers' retirement plan savings alone. Continued stock market and housing value declines in the first quarter of 2009 resulted in an additional loss of $1.3 trillion of savings for Americans.
If you lost money, you're not alone, but at least you can put some blame on the market. Major errors of judgment have cost some of the world's richest people more than just a pretty penny - and these are people who have a lot to lose. Console yourself with these famous financial flops.
1. Two Rocks and a (Could Have Been) $17 Billion Family Legacy
In 1883, Dr. William Howey went to check on crews building the Canadian Pacific Railway. While searching for a lost worker, he found some interesting copper-colored rocks and pocketed them. Upon returning home he sent them to the director of the Geological Survey of Canada. The verdict? The stones were deemed worthless, and Howey threw them away.
A contractor picked them up, and a year later decided to check out the site where they were found. It turned out those "rocks" were copper and the contractor - Thomas Murray - had discovered one of the world's largest copper deposit, producing millions of dollars of ore. When it was discovered the ore contained high levels of highly sought-after nickel, the deposit was named the International Nickel Company of Canada, and went on to become the second-largest producer of nickel worldwide. In 2006, Vale (NYSE: VALE) (previously CVRD) bought the company (named INCO) for $17 billion. Talk about a rock-solid investment!
2. A $75 Million Marital Mistake
Madonna may have a knack for putting out hit records, but her most recent divorce to film director Guy Ritchie will hit the "material girl" where it really counts - the wallet. Why? No prenuptial agreement. The 25-time gold record winner will pay her ex-better half $75 million as part of their divorce settlement. That equates to just a little less than $10 million for each year of their eight-year marriage. Don't feel too bad for the pop and rock icon, however - she's still worth more than $400 million.
3. A $54 Million Hand-Motion Markdown
Vegas casino owner and art collector Steve Wynn was entertaining a small group of friends in the fall of 2006 when he decided to show them his prized Picasso "Le Reve," ("The Dream"). He had recently agreed to sell the piece for $139 million to fellow collector and hedge fund director Steve Cohen. But Wynn's "dream" turned into a nightmare when, with one seemingly harmless hand motion while hosting a party at his home, he put his elbow through the famous painting of Picasso's mistress. The shocked guests vowed to keep silent about the incident and Wynn later chose to keep the painting; it was restored but dropped in value to $85 million. It cost Wynn $90,000 for restoration work.
4. Stop That $4 Million Cab!
Grammy-award-winning Russian violinist Philippe Quint will always double-check before stepping out of a cab. In 2008, he left a $4 million 1723 Antonio Stardivari violin in the back of a taxi after a ride home from Newark Airport. There are fewer than 700 of the handmade, highly-prized instruments worldwide.
Six frantic hours after reporting the loss, Quint got a call from the port authority that driver Mohamad Khalil had returned to the station with his instrument. When the two met, Quint fell to his knees in thanks; to demonstrate the depth of his gratitude Quint later treated Khalil and 200 of his cabbie-driving comrades to a 30-minute private concert at the airport. But although Quint managed to come out of his million-dollar ordeal without parting with a penny, Quint's orchestral peer David Garrett wasn't so lucky. The world-class musician tripped at the end of a concert and landed on his 290 year-old Stradivari violin, destroying the priceless instrument.
5. What?! Call That $2 Million Foul, Ref!
Wimbledon champion and TV commentator John McEnroe wouldn't let an opponent get away with anything on the tennis court, but a high-flying rare art salesman got away with $2 million of McEnroe's fortune. Lawrence Salander, a New York art dealer, defrauded McEnroe through an elaborate scam by selling him half-shares in painter Arshile Gorky's pieces "Pirate I" and "Pirate II." One slight detail the dealer forgot to divulge: he didn't own the paintings.
6. The $1.5 Million Ferrari Fiasco
Actor Eddie Griffin had the best of intentions when he signed up to drive a race car for a charity benefit and to promote his 2007 movie "Redline," in the process. Eager to show off his driving prowess, he slid behind the wheel of a $1.5 million Enzo Ferrari - one of only 400 produced worldwide. Just moments after taking the wheel, Griffin took a corner a little too tight, clipped a cone and locked the wheels of the prized car, slamming it into a concrete barrier. Although he walked away unharmed, the rare car was declared a total loss.
Could it get any worse? Actually, yes. The car was owned by Griffin's boss, "Redline" executive producer Daniel Sadek.
The next time portfolio losses have you down just be glad that you can blame some of your woes on the market, rather than your own poor judgment. These millionaires' financial flops prove they haven't been nearly so lucky.
A good reason to wear pajamas
Doctor’s Visit
An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Married Couple In Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
TOPICAL HUMOR
Shlomo made a killing in the real estate market before the bubble burst, so he, like the Jefferson’s before him decides to "move on up". He buys a swanky 3 bedroom, 3 bath condo, complete with terrace looking out onto Park Avenue in a waspy, old money pre-war building in the East 60's. Things go smoothly for the first few months, but then as the holiday of Succoth arrives, Shlomo proceeds to do what he has done every year...build a Succah. The only outside property he now owns is the terrace, so that is where he decides to put the Succah.
The entire building immediately erupts in chaos, as the other owners start screaming at him to take it down, with chants of " you're not in the shtetl any more". Shlomo ignores them all, so they immediately decide to take him to court. As luck would have it, the case is being held in Judge Goldstein's court. Shlomo feels pretty confident as he presents his case. After Shlomo finishes, the opposition presents their case and then the judge speaks.
"Shlomo, you have to realize that you are now living in a fancy building on Park Avenue. The Succah that you put on your stoop for so many years in Brooklyn does not belong in the Upper East Side. Therefore I am going to fine you $10,000 or give you a sentence of 30 days in jail if you do not remove the Succah".
Then the judge adds, almost as an afterthought "within 8 days"
Don't you just have it when the DOE has to do a NEPA on your BNFL?
PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health
care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their
hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
assholes in Washington.
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?
Yes, that's an Eagle painted, on his HANDS!
SERVICES
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue one day, and, as always, Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregants departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered to him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
And with no cell phone reception, we're screwed!
NEWS IN THE MAKING
A photographer was assigned to cover southern California's
Wildfires. When he arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was
so thick it would seriously impede getting good photographs from the
ground. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take
photos from the air. His request was approved and he called the local
County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane
would be waiting for him.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside
a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
shouted, "Let's go." The pilot taxied out and roared down the Runway.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make a few low passes so I can take some pictures of the
fires." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer," he
responded. The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he
stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're not my flight instructor?"
You Have To See This To Believe It
Yes, any landing is a good one!
IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
The National Anthem..Sung by 8-Year Old's
IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
No explanation necessary
THE YEAR 1910
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1910.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:
************ ********* *********
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles
Of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'
( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!
Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1910
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND
Deaf Sex...
Two deaf people get married and during the first week ofmarriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back
to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.
How's the cereal, kid?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
(Insert pic of US Border Patrol)
It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
Don’t try it at McDonald’s, the whole crew will exit and you’ll never get your order.
Try explaining this to GEICO!
OLDIE BUT GOODIE
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
How To Be Cruel To Old Guys
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
How to make twins
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came .’
I'll hold it!
For all of you red-blooded Americans
Okay you 'red-blooded Americans'. Let’s see how you do on this test 24 out of 30 is considered a passing grade. Supposedly 96% of all High School Seniors FAILED this test.. AND if that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too!!
Take the test and be surprised at what we don't know.
Let me explain!
MARRIAGE
Three men married wives from different states…
The first man married a woman from Missouri. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Idaho.. He gave his wife orders that she was to d o all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Jewish girl from New York. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Some Amazing Photos In PowerPoint. Click here to download and enjoy
Sometines, you just gotta trust the pilot.
You think English is easy??? Read to the end ..... a new twist
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead; out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neit her apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't finger, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ...
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP ,you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........it is time to shut UP !
No way in hell I'm eating here!
An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
TOPICAL HUMOR
Shlomo made a killing in the real estate market before the bubble burst, so he, like the Jefferson’s before him decides to "move on up". He buys a swanky 3 bedroom, 3 bath condo, complete with terrace looking out onto Park Avenue in a waspy, old money pre-war building in the East 60's. Things go smoothly for the first few months, but then as the holiday of Succoth arrives, Shlomo proceeds to do what he has done every year...build a Succah. The only outside property he now
owns is the terrace, so that is where he decides to put the Succah.
The entire building immediately erupts in chaos, as the other owners start screaming at him to take it down, with chants of " you're not in the shtetl any more". Shlomo ignores them all, so they immediately decide to take him to court. As luck would have it, the case is being held in Judge Goldstein's court. Shlomo feels pretty confident as he presents his case. After Shlomo finishes, the opposition presents their case and then the judge speaks.
"Shlomo, you have to realize that you are now living in a fancy building on Park Avenue. The Succah that you put on your stoop for so many years in Brooklyn does not belong in the Upper East Side.
Therefore I am going to fine you $10,000 or give you a sentence of 30 days in jail if you do not remove the Succah".
Then the judge adds, almost as an afterthought "within 8 days"
PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health
care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their
hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
assholes in Washington.
No Fat Chicks Allowed!
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Chinese Wedding Night A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?
Have you seen this....whatever?
SERVICES
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue one day, and, as always, Rabbi Mendel was
standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregants departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered to him: "You need to join
the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom
Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
How to deal with a problem neighbor?
NEWS IN THE MAKING
A photographer was assigned to cover southern California's
Wildfires. When he arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was
so thick it would seriously impede getting good photographs from the
ground. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take
photos from the air. His request was approved and he called the local
County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane
would be waiting for him.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside
a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
shouted, "Let's go." The pilot taxied out and roared down the Runway.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make a few low passes so I can take some pictures of the
fires." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer," he
responded. The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he
stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're not my flight instructor?"
IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
THE YEAR 1910
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1910.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:
************ ********* *********
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles
Of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'
( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!
Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1910
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND
UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCE
Deaf Sex...
Two deaf people get married and during the first week ofmarriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back
to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
(Insert pic of US Border Patrol)
It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
Don’t try it at McDonald’s, the whole crew will exit and you’ll never get your order.
Get Your Snowplow Ready!
OLDIE BUT GOODIE
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came .’
Typical Government Study
For all of you red-blooded Americans
Okay you 'red-blooded Americans'.. Let’s see how you do on this test 24 out of 30 is considered a passing grade. Supposedly 96% of all High School Seniors FAILED this test.. AND if that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too!!
Take the test and be surprised at what we don't know.
MARRIAGE
Three men married wives from different states…
The first man married a woman from Missouri. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean houseand dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Idaho.. He gave his wife orders that she was to d o all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Jewish girl from New York. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Some Amazing Photos In PowerPoint. Click here to download and enjoy
You think English is easy??? Read to the end ..... a new twist
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead; out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't finger, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ...
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP ,you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........it is time to shut UP !
Let me know how the search goes
BUSINESS COMES FIRST
A businessman met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he didn't have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home..
I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the $250 check with the following note:
' Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain indefinitely unoccupied.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, you mustn't blame the management.
So, kindly send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
This is Why A Man Should Never Take A Message
THE ACME COSTUME COMPANY
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
T