One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred,
'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
============================================
A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door
and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your
bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said.
'Just get out.'
===============================================
Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is a husband.
===============================================
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for
a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
===============================================
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said t
o them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a
case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
====================================
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know
you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE
THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think
I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted
to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
=============================================
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
